After it Chemo Ended

My Chemo ended May 13,2008,I haven't posted as I want to get on with everything. But I recently decided that I should catch up to my blog at least a little. I was so glad the chemo ended ,the last session seemed to be the worse .It was like I was finally loaded with all that toxic stuff and it was like tearing me up inside with chemicals.I coped with it but it was like slushing around feeling sick to my stomach,headaches and such. I spent alot of time laying on my bed and just closing my eyes and it was easier for me to deal this way. Almost like blocking out the world till I fell asleep .

That slowly stop for me as did the self injections I had to do.

As the chemo was withdrawing from my body it left it's effects on my body.I lost some toe nails and fingernails.Some were discolored by the chemo.The nail beds had ripples and ridges in them .Each nail had 4 ripples/ridges.Some had a white line through them.


My hair started growing again,thank goodness before winter .It's just about long enough for a small curling iron.It came back in more white than what brown hair I did have before.It's almost all white but there is some actual grey in it .I won't need a perm or curling iron as it came back in curly where it was all straight before I lost my hair.I haven't had curly hair since about five years of age.

I wear a prosthetic now for a breast. It isn't too bad to wear but sometimes it gets heavy feeling.

It doesn't bother me not to have a breast on my left side,you have to accept the realities of cancer. This so far was my reality . I could lose more or lose my life.But until then my life is what I make it.

The Body

Surprising the body can take a chemo beating and still keep on ticking .
Not even my injections of Neupogen can cause it much grief either.
It seems my tolerence for the aches and pains of all the drugs is quite high.

Some of my body lets me know they are under attack .My fingernails(nail beds)
ache but still look healthy. My hips bones and joints ache ,
but I still have to get around so can't that hold me back.
I get bloody nose off and on, heartburn(lost voice a few times).

The worse pain is how lonely one can get because at certain times
you really shouldn't expose yourself to crowds and infections.
People are so lax about their behavior in public.
They cough with their mouth open ,sneeze without covering their face.

There are people that wished you'd keep yourself and bad habits at home
so others can go out and not be faced with your kind ..ta ta for now

I can cope with Cancer,why can't you?

Cancer , Big C .. doesn't matter how you refer to it . I have it and I don't like peoples attitudes towards it, even those that have it .

It is only a disease not a guaranteed end of life in a whole range of cancers . Some are hard to fight but the key word is fight. Seeking out every available treatment that is safe to use is helpful to start. Some use conventional medicines ,some use other methods of alternative treatment.

I am not going to die just because I have cancer .I haven't stopped my life for it, I don't lie in bed for it. I do ache from the treatment of chemo and my injections I give to myself of neupogen (keeps my white blood cells up). I take tylenol to combat that . Yesterday I worked on painting my kitchen ceiling ,I might not get it done in one daylike I could but I keep active. I have been a at home wife and soul mate to my darling husband so even there I have been very active in taking care of both.

You cannot stop your life for cancer or it will win. I have a bald head but I throw on a hat and head to the store .Hell with what people think, keep the dam pity to yourselfs . You want to ask me about my cancer ,go for it . I am not ashamed of my cancer so why should you be?

Well enough of my rambles for now ,time to clean my home ..

Abandoned Brushes and Combs

I consider myself a lucky person as I don't have to share my bathroom (well he does use the tub/shower). But overall it's all mine. As I was tidying up I came across my now abandoned brushes and combs. The long strands of hair still in them. Sort of sad to see but I thought ok, I shaved my head for the greater good of even hair,it was worth the scarifice.

But I looked and thought well I'll save a few strands and clean the rest .So I chose a few that represented my hair pattern and tucked them into a envelope . Then gave my brushes and combs a nice bubble bath in the sink. I gently rinsed and dryed and remember all the nice brushings we've had. I finally put them back into my brush basket and tucked them away for the glorious time when I can again give them some hair to brush .

Hair or No Hair ? That wasn't the question

Well after thinking about it, watching some strands fall ,, running my fingers through my hair and coming up with at least 6-7 and no less than two ,I shaved my head . Right now it's the only thing I can control about getting cancer. My eyebrows are slowly going ,so why wait , I'll match up . Am not a shiny skinhead ,I evenly gave myself a good very stubble short buzz. I didn't want the pain of cleaning after my hair slowly falling out , hell I was thinking I was shedding more than my cat .

So here I sit , my warm pink/peachy fuzzy hat nestled on my head . I really have a nice shaped head,can one be vain about their skull?. I didn't see any scars so my mom who's 74 lied to me, she didn't drop me on my head . Well it's near 2 am .Buzzing ones head is tiring.. hugs and smoochies .

Sleep ,where art thou ?

Another night to be awake because my body says sleep during the day. I stay awake during the day and then barely stay awake past 7 pm in the evening .Then I will sleep past ten am and it starts all over again but it's the way it is and going to be a few more months.

Been getting nose bleeds when I sneeze ,I'm getting them stopped for now. My white blood cells and platelets should be on the repair . I go for blood work March 31st so they can ok the next session of chemo April 2nd. No hair loss yet but my hats are ready when and if that happens .

Not alot to cheer me up outside as we still have snow and not alot getting outside as I sure don't need to get sick from the cold or other people. My baby girl( kitty- kat) keeps me company while
David is away. I worked on my dryed flower arrangements today got a few more framed .Just a hobby to keep myself busy. They are simple but I think they are pretty . Going to lay down and see If I can sleep,it's 2:40 am

Time to Rest?

I slid into chemotherapy treatment slow I guess .

First thing I noticed within a few days was flushing to my face and neck.Wasn't bad except I looked like a human tomato.
Then a little dry mouth but anything could have triggered that ,didn't last long ,a day or two.
Not sure why but a overwhelming surge of energy ,did alot while I had this ,but by evening I was in bed at 7:30 pm. It happened again March 14 ,alot of energy and a early crash into bed.

Starting the 15th of March I felt like I was coming down with a cold, sneezing ,achy and just wanting to lay down. When I did lay down it wasn't restful , seemed I moved around alot in bed. Well at least to me.

It is also in the middle of the night that I edit this as with all the sleep I've had , there isn't sleep now.

It seems that fate had set for me alot of challenges. I would have never put Cancer was on that list .

Never did alot of right things in my life ,did more harm than most but at least I had the girls .

I expect them to be strong in all they encounter and never wuss out because it's easier. This cancer is no different ,I can get through this cancer treatment and hopefully always keep one step ahead of cancer returning . My odds are good, so is the treatment ,well, after all the effects of it are gone.

This blog is my place to mentally ramble in the middle of the night if I need to.


Questions

1.Did I cry when I found out I had cancer? , not really , a few tears and that was it. I really kind of knew what it was so there was no shock.

2.Am I afraid to die? .. aren't we all ? Well guess if I have to ,I'll go fighting as they all say . People feel sorry for themselves when they think of dying ,think of the peace one gets when they do die . Life is over ,no more ,it's done.

3.You can remember the loved ones, but remember the good in them?

I am well taken care of by a wonderful man. He loves me deeply as I love him. He and I will get through the event in our life .. it's time to rest .............